Y’all. I came up with a new invention (one which I’m sure I’ve heard others talk about before, but this is my blog which means I can make all the egomaniacal claims I want until you call me on it in the comments). Here’s what we all need: A modulated car horn.
Need to gently remind that elderly woman in the Dodge Dart that she’s still in a car and the light turned green a few minutes ago, not that it’s a big deal it’s just that you’re a teeny bit late for your pedicure? Give it a light tappy tap and the horn will convey your patience.
Does that guy in the Suburban think the whole road is his personal lane? Strike him down and he will know thy wrath.
Uh oh! The on-ramp to I-40 isn’t the best place to come to a full stop! I’m not mad because I can see that you’re just trying to figure out if you’re going the right way, but the car behind me and the car behind them and so on and so on for, um, about 15 cars, just almost piled on top of us both, so even if you didn’t mean to go this way, you may want to just drive and figure it out once you’re moving. Wouldn’t it be great if your horn could say all that!
That last one happened to me yesterday and I actually felt guilty about honking at the guy since my horn can only say “Move Asshole!” when really I just wanted to say “Check your rearview mirror — you may not know that there are about 15 cars behind you on this on-ramp.” So he started driving and we got on the highway, and I passed him, which made me feel guilty too — he was probably cursing me for being in such a hurry. “I’m not a bad person,” I wanted him to know. “I wouldn’t even have passed you if you had gone close to the speed I wanted to go. I wasn’t trying to send you a message or anything — I always drive this speed. I swear.”
You might think that maybe I wouldn’t be so concerned with how a stranger, in another car, on the interstate, at night feels about me, but then you might underestimate (overestimate?) me. So instead of feeling confident that my decision to use the (perpetually rude) horn was the right thing to do given the circumstances, I spent the rest of my drive home from the mall inventing a more polite car horn.